when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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