i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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