its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Randomize
