FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
