fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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