i permit you to call me
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Randomize
