Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Randomize
