I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Bring me that man meat
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
