Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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