every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
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