guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
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I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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