I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
