I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
