He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
