the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
