Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Randomize
