you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
