He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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