Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
