People in love make me want to vomit
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Randomize
