Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
