First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
