ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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