i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
