Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
