My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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