textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i think i have two assholes
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Randomize
