PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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