3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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