Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
We left the knife in your bed.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
