There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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