Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
