after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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