I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
