I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Randomize
