i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
