Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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