I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
