So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
