I haven't been this sober since birth.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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