I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
