dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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