whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
