You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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