Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
