And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
My vagina just recognized that song.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Shame - the story of my life.
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