I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
