i think i have two assholes
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
