i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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