true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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