she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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