My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
