Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
