I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
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