So the hot 23 year old i went home with last night is really 17 and was here for orientation.. i feel like a pedifile...
In that case, you should probably come up to the union, orientation is in full swing, your kind of guys ;)
cunt.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
