Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
